Search for Assurance - Part 1

Right, this is the first ‘really serious’ series of posts I’m going to put on this blog, relating to a spiritual/theological struggle I have. I will be quite honest as I can’t stand hypocrisy of any kind, not least with this kind of subject.

In this part I will personally reflect on the dark nature of my existential angst (it may seem quite bleak, sorry).

In Part 2 I will explore some theological issues, and Part 3 will be on ‘Where I go from here’ (hopefully a little more positive).

Preamble

My journey to faith was a rather slow, thoughtful and un - miraculous process. I was raised in a Christian home and family, though didn’t really take it that seriously. Around the age of 18 (after much deliberation) I realised I was convinced about the basic claims of Christianity. I also realised this demanded a response and so I got baptized and started trying to live as a Christian.

Just over three years ago I began asking myself the question ‘am I actually a Christian?’ Or to put things more bluntly, ‘If I were to drop dead this minute, would I be right with God?’. The subsequent years have involved much thought/angst/reading/wondering/wrestling/talking/praying/simmering about the issue. In short, there have been two main reasons that have caused me to doubt.

1. Theological Confusion

Having a naturally inquisitive mind, I have explored and read much on the theology of salvation (soteriology) and have found there to be a number of different views on the matter (complete with their own interpretations of scripture). This throws a number of questions open – What exactly is salvation? Free will or predestination? What is the relationship between faith and works? Can you lose your salvation? Can you even have salvation this side of death? Calvinism or Arminianism? What does Justification mean? New perspective on Paul? Is righteousness imputed or imparted? How does atonement work? Was Christ punished in our place on the cross? Should Christians be sinless?

The different approaches to these questions has naturally produced a certain amount of confusion. This is not to say that I am totally agnostic on these questions – some of them I have a pretty strong idea about what the answer is – It’s just that I find it very hard to believe confidently with so many different arguments. This is especially important considering that the answers to these questions often have large implications for assurance.

2. Lack of Reality in my Christian Life

The standard of life for Christians as outlined in the New Testament is very high, and I often wonder if I am getting anywhere near it. Sure, I am not a drunkard or robber or fornicator etc. and I don’t have any secret grievous sins. However, can I say that I love the Lord with all my heart, mind ,soul and strength? Do I deny myself and take up my cross daily? I am I experiencing suffering due to my faith? I often don’t think so.

Related to this are pneumatological considerations (translation: stuff to do with the Holy Spirit). The New Testament makes a big deal of the Holy Spirit. Paul says that if you do not have the Spirit you do not belong to Christ (Romans 8:9). It is the Holy Spirit that washes and renews Christians on conversion (1 Cor 6:11,Titus 3:4, lots of places in Acts). It is the Holy Spirit that pours God’s love into your heart (Rom 5:5), and makes sanctification and holy living possible (Rom 8) . It also seems that it is by the Spirit that you know whether you are a Christian or not (1 John 4:13). It is when considering such texts that I doubt that I have the Holy Spirit in me. There certainly isn’t an existential sense inside of me saying ‘you are a Christian’. This hasn’t been helped that much by the charismatic emphasis at the Church that I have been part of for the last five years where a great deal is made of ministry time and ‘waiting on’ and ‘receiving’ the Spirit. Nothing profound has ever happened to me during the countless ministry times I have been present at. True, I am getting sceptical these days about what goes on in these sessions (particularly the Toronto/Lakelandesque manifestations). Still, this does not prevent me from feeling as though I lack something pneumatological. I certainly haven’t had a baptism of the Holy Spirit (according to some people’s definition of it anyway).

Rant

It is at this point that I wish to highlight a (mainly online) phenomenon that I have encountered. If you look around on YouTube and blogs and websites you will find there are a number of very vocal (usually American) Christians who seem obsessed with exposing false Christians, and getting people to doubt their salvation. They post links to ‘powerful’ and ‘shocking’ sermons. This is an infamous example. You will find many testimonies of how this sermon has saved people. Whatever. All I know is that I watched this sermon about two years ago and then descended into an absolute pit of despair, convinced that I was going to hell. I will examine some of the theology of these folks in part 2 but for now, I will simply note that it has not helped my struggle and if any Christians who promote this kind of stuff are reading this I want to say the following to you:

I expect you have read this post so far and assumed in your high and mighty judgemental attitude that I am a lost sinner destined to hell. Just know that I have cried out for God for salvation and repented the best I can many, many times. I have done everything the book says in this regard , and so according to biblical standards, there is no reason why God would not save me (see John 6:37). It’s your kind of rhetoric that leads people to utter despair (and maybe worse, turn away from the faith all together) when you demand that a Christian must have had this or that experience or else he is not saved. Is God in the habit of dangling people in suspense (even for years) before saving them? Is he reluctant to save, or does he not reach down at the very first signs of repentance (Luke 15:20)? Shame on you. I think it’s about time you folks ‘examine yourselves’ before you start bashing the online Christian world with your offensive assertions.

(end of rant)

The Vicious Downward Spiral

There is this nasty loop I have often gotten into in my struggles which goes something like this:

- I contemplate my life and begin to doubt my salvation, despite having turned to Christ.

- I then begin to wonder why Christ hasn’t saved me, and doubt that he is really all that good. In fact I start to despise him.

- This then makes Christian living even more difficult. It’s very hard to love, serve and pray to a God who you think has rejected you. As a result my devotional life takes a plunge.

- Back to point one.

It is the assurance struggles themselves that have caused an even worse problem – doubts about God’s character, his love, mercy, acceptance etc. These then just make the struggles even worse.

So there we have it, my no.1 spiritual doubt in a nutshell. This post has been quite dark I know, and I want to deliberately end on this kind of Psalm 88/Romans 7/Good Friday note.

In the next two posts I will look at the other side of my musings.